You Look Stupid
The Backwards Baseball Cap
What you think it says about you:
“I go against the grain because I wear my cap the wrong way around. I’m one of the cool dudes or guys or bros or something because all the cool dudes or guys or bros or something wear their baseball caps like this, with the brim that’s supposed to shade my eyes from the sun so I can, I dunno, catch a baseball or golf a ball or whatever this cap used to be for is now pointed the other way so my neck-eyes are comfortable.”
What it really says about you:
“I don’t know how to wear hats.”
The Revealed Boxer Shorts
What you think it says about you:
“My pants are really low so you can see my butt in this pair of baggy cotton ratty underwear and the butt of my pants is around my knees like a weird denim douche bag because I go against the grain and maybe I know someone in prison? Something about belts. I can’t remember. Anyway, I look cool.”
What it really says about you:
“I don’t know how to wear pants. Plus I should buy some underwear that doesn’t look like I landed in a parachute made of grandma’s sheets.”
The Yoga Pants
What you think it says about you:
“I have an active lifestyle and I take care of myself. I just came from my class where I was breathing thoughtfully and stretching things out and practicing my special word which is ‘yoghurt’. I like my men fit and my pants painted on and maybe you can see my labia.”
What it really says about you:
“I want to be naked in public.”
The Indoor Sunglasses
What you think it says about you:
“Sunglasses are cool so I am cool and I am like Steve McQueen or somebody from olden days whose films I have never even seen but he looked cool so I look cool and I also spent a good deal of money on my sunglasses and everyone else here appreciates that and wants to be like me or near me because I obviously have money so I will wear them even though I am inside and therefore negating the actual use of these.”
What it really says about you:
“I forgot that I am wearing sunglasses. I must be an imbicile.”
The Shorts at Work
What you think it says about you:
“I am my own man and no one can tell me what is appropriate to wear at the office.”
What it really says about you:
“My knees are ugly, but you should have to look at them when we are in meetings and think about the fact that if these shorts were slightly shorter shorts, you could view my scrotum which looks like a very large wad of oddly grey chewing gum that has been rolled in dryer lint and left in the sun to wrinkle.”
The Flip-Flops All The Time
What you think it says about you:
“My lifestyle is so hang-loose and awesome that I don’t even own shoes. I am like some surfer from Redondo Beach or somewhere cooler than that and I’m here with you instead of stoking waves or something cool surfers say and value comfort over all things. I am seriously laid-back and you would love to be hanging with me right now because I have visible toes.”
What it really says about you:
“Don’t stand near me, my feet have a fungal infection.”
The Popped Collar
What you think it says about you:
“I went to Harvard.”
What it really says about you:
“Remember high school? When you pretended about the colleges you’d attend and how much sweet pussy you’d get and all the bros who would think you were cool finally? I still live there.”
