This is my core values statement.

Honesty

It’s important to mention honesty because if we don’t, why would we value it? Surely it would never occur to anyone here to be honest. Wouldn’t it be easier to be a business if we just lied about everything? Lied about what our product does, or will do, or that it exists, or has a purpose, or is useful in some way? Lied about the amount of money we project making over the coming year, or the amount of money we set aside to take with us when we eventually fail and leave all our employees in the lurch? Lied about the reason that we’re on this huge hiring gamut because we need to look like we’re growing but really not so much?

By the way, I’ve been in the lurch, and it’s not that bad.

Integrity

I’m not actually sure what integrity means but it gets thrown around a lot so it must be important. Maybe it’s like when you promise to do something and then sort of do it? Only you’re not actually sure what it is and you don’t want to admit it in case you look stupid? Integrity!

Credulousness

It’s important that people think they can believe you. Yeah, I know I mentioned honesty before — in fact I put it in the first slot — but you can be all the honesty you want, you can fart honesty out of your fart-hole and people may not believe you even when you’re not lying. Credulousness is cool because it’s like faith, but even dumber, because it means believing something before you even think about it! I mean! That feels like something to shoot for!

Value

What would a Values Statement be without including value? That’s just dumb. It’s right there in the title! Value. And let’s agree that having value is good for everyone whether or not there actually is any. Just saying “value” adds value.

Balls

Perhaps our most important value of all. Balls allows us to get away with anything. Balls means that our culture has balls. Big, sweaty, hairy, pendulous balls. Balls allows us to behave in a fashion that might otherwise be thought of as assholish or douche baggery. Balls means that we can be two-faced, double-dealing, deceitful, untrustworthy, and other words that mean the same thing without really suffering any negative effects.

Malmackity

I made this word up. I figure it has at least as much weight as the others do as far as reminding you not to be an asshole. Please practice malmackity daily.