Songs From The Big Hair
The rise of Donald Drumpf and the fall of the Redumlican Party
CAST
Donald Drumpf: Short-fingered Vulgarian
Reince Priebus: Chairman of the Redumlican Party
Dr. Ben Carson: Somnambulant neurosurgeon
Ted Cruz: Demonspawn
Marco Rubio: Florida Man
Jeb! Bush: Almost famous
Carly Fiorina: Fetus-obsessed businesswoman
Mike Huckabee: H-E-double-hockeysticks
Chris Christie: The other white meat
John Kasich: The Lost Man
Bobby Jindal: The Destroyer
Barack Obama: President of the United States of America
Vladimir Putin: President of Russia
Angry Mob: Chorus of Amerikan Citizens
The Press: Witless accomplices
ACT ONE: SCENE ONE
March 2015
An American flag covers the back of the entire stage, which is otherwise empty. Reince Priebus enters stage left, as Angry Mob and The Press occupy the majority of the stage. He addresses Angry Mob:
Welcome to your life
There’s no turning back
Even while we sleep
We will find you
Acting on your best behavior
Turn your back on Mother Nature
The Press turns to the audience:
Everybody wants to rule the world
The candidates enter one-by-one, stage right, addressing the audience:
Ted Cruz: It’s my own design
Jeb! Bush: It’s my own remorse
Ben Carson: Help me to decide
Reince Priebus: Help me make the most
Of freedom and of pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
The Press:
Everybody wants to rule the world
Ted Cruz: There’s a room where the light won’t find you
Ben Carson: Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down
Marco Rubio (to Cruz): When they do I’ll be right behind you
Reince Priebus: So glad we’ve almost made it
So sad they had to fade it
The Press:
Everybody wants to rule the world
Bush, Fiorina, Cruz, Christie, Jindal, pointing to the others: I can’t stand this indecision
Carson, Rubio, Huckabee, Kasich, Jindal, pointing back: Married with a lack of vision
The Press: Everybody wants to rule the world
The American Flag on the back of the stage begins burning. The Press, turning towards the audience, sings:
Say that you’ll never, never, never, never need it
One headline why believe it?
Reince Priebus: Everybody wants to rule the world
All for freedom and for pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
Everybody wants to rule the world
ACT ONE: SCENE TWO
The Appearance of The Saviour
The American flag rises into the rafters revealing a giant golden escalator. Donald Drumpf enters at the top of the escalator. As he begins to sing, Angry Mob runs towards the escalator as The Press retreats upstage, flashbulbs exploding.
Donald Drumpf (to Angry Mob): Shout
Shout
Let it all out
These are the things I can do without
Come on
I’m talking to you
Come on
In violent times
You shouldn’t have to sell your soul
In black and white
They really, really ought to know
He points to the other candidates, who have huddled together stage right.
Those one track minds
That took you for a working boy
(Blows them a kiss) Kiss them goodbye
(Addresses Angry Mob) You shouldn’t have to jump for joy
You shouldn’t have to jump for joy
Angry Mob joins Donald Drumpf as he sings and descends towards them: Shout
Shout
Let it all out
These are the things I can do without
Drumpf, solo: Come on
I’m talking to you
Come on
Priebus, gesturing at the other candidates: They gave you life
Drumpf: And in return you gave them hell
The Press (soloist): As cold as ice
The Press (soloist): I hope we live to tell the tale
The Press: I hope we live to…
Drumpf and the Angry Mob (singing to the audience): Shout
Shout
Let it all out
These are the things I can do without
Come on
(Pointing) I’m talking to you
Come on
Drumpf (mounting a podium at the bottom of the escalator): And when you’ve taken down your guard
If I could change your mind
I’d really love to break your heart
I’d really love to…
All: Shout
Shout
Let it all out
These are the things I can do without
Come on
I’m talking to you
Come on
Song fades as Drumpf remounts the escalator. Where the American flag had been, a projection of the United States Capital appears. Drumpf, The Press exit. Angry Mob lines up against the scrim, upstage.
ACT ONE: SCENE THREE
Debate Prep: Priebus addresses the faithful
The remaining candidates form a semi-circle center stage. Priebus, visibly agitated, paces back and forth in front of them.
Christie: My features form with a change in the weather
Priebus (assuringly): We can, we can work it out
Bush: My features form with a change in the weather
Priebus: We can, we can work it out
All candidates: When the wind blows, when the mothers talk
When the wind blows
When the wind blows, when the mothers talk
Priebus: When the wind blows, we can, only we can work it out
Priebus: It’s not that you’re not good enough
It’s just that we can make you better
(addressing Carson): Given that you pay the price
We can keep you young and tender
(turning to address Angry Mob): Following the footsteps of a funeral pyre
You were paid not to listen, now your house is on fire
Carson: Wake me up when things get started
When everything starts to happen
Rubio: My features form with a change in the weather
Priebus: We can, we can work it out
Fiorina: My features form with a change in the weather
Priebus: We can, we can work it out
When the wind blows, when the mothers talk
When the wind blows
When the wind blows, when the mothers talk
When the wind blows, we can, only we can work it out
Angry Mob (soloists): Some of us are horrified; Others never talk about it
Priebus: But when the weather starts to burn
Then you’ll know that you’re in trouble
Fiorina: Following the footsteps of a soldier girl
Huckabee: It is time to put your clothes on and to face the world
Bush (to himself): Don’t you feel your luck is changing
When everything starts to happen
Carson (to Bush): Put your head right next to my heart
The beat of the drum is the fear of the dark
All candidates, Preibus, Angry Crowd: When the wind blows, when the mothers talk
When the wind blows
When the wind blows, when the mothers talk
Priebus: [Music slows] When the wind blows, we can, only we can work it out
ACT ONE: SCENE FOUR
The Fourth Debate
Podiums rise from the stage floor and the candidates assume positions behind them, with Donald Drumpf center stage. All candidates mime a tremendous and angry argument except Ben Carson who stands looking confused.
Priebus (upstage, to himself): Between the searching and the need to work it out
I stop believing everything will be alright
Broken
We are broken
I’m walking uphill being turned around and round
Secret in motion when my feet are on the ground
Broken
We are broken
(Pointing at Drumpf): In my mind’s eye
One little boy anger one little man
Funny how time flies
Priebus exits.
As the candidates continue to argue behind him, the lights fade on stage and a spotlight picks out Ben Carson, who wanders from behind his podium to upstage center. Angry Mob enters and seat themselves around him on stage.
Carson (to Angry Mob): I wanted to be with you alone
And talk about the weather
But traditions I can trace against the child in your face
Won’t escape my attention
Angry Mob (soloist): You keep your distance with a system of touch
And gentle persuasion.
Carson: I’m lost in admiration could I need you this much?
Angry Mob: Oh you’re wasting my time
You’re just, just wasting time.
Angry Mob rises and moves towards the candidates, congregating near one or another and moving between them. Carson returns to his own podium.
Angry Mob: Something happens and I’m head over heels
I never find out ’til I’m head over heels
Something happens and I’m head over heels
Ah don’t take my heart don’t break my heart
Don’t, don’t throw it away
Drumpf: I made a fire and watching it burn
Kasich: I thought of your future
Huckabee: With one foot in the past now just how long will it last?
Drumpf (to Carson): No, no, no, have you no ambition?
Rubio: My mother and my brothers used to breathing clean air
Carson: And dreaming I’m a doctor!
Obama (singing from the audience balcony): It’s hard to be a man when there’s a gun in your hand
Bush (stroking the barrel of a handgun suggestively): Oh I feel so
Angry Mob (they begin to congregate around Drumpf, stroking, caressing, kissing, and fondling him): Something happens and I’m head over heels
I never find out ’til I’m head over heels
The other candidates begin exiting the stage, looking dejected and despondent.
Angry Mob: Something happens and I’m head over heels
Ah don’t take my heart don’t break my heart
Don’t don’t throw it away
Drumpf is lifted up onto the shoulders of the Angry Mob. Priebus enters and gestures to Drumpf.
Priebus: And this is my four leaf clover
I’m on the line one open mind
Angry Mob carries Drumpf center stage and sets him down next to Priebus, who hangs his arm across Drumpf’s shoulders.
Priebus: This is my four leaf clover
A podium and plinth rises center stage and Priebus guides Drumpf behind it. The podium has the symbol of The Redumlican Party on the front, an elephant performing fellatio on itself. The Press enters from upstage left and right and gathers behind the podium.
ACT ONE: SCENE FIVE
The Rise of Donald Drumpf
Priebus: These things
That I’ve
Been told
Can rearrange
Priebus: My world
My doubt
In time
But inside out
The Press begins throwing money at Drumpf as a series of simulated news stories are projected on the stage scrim showing Drumpf being angry, making childish faces, throwing water bottles, mimicking a disabled person, etc. are shown.
The Press: This is the working hour
We are paid by those who learn by our mistakes
This is the working hour
We are paid by those who learn by our mistakes
Priebus: This day
And age
For all
And not for one
All lies
And secrets
Put on
Put on and on
The Press: This is the working hour
We are paid by those who learn by our mistakes
This is the working hour
We are paid by those who learn by our mistakes
Angry Mob rushes the stage, shoving Priebus around as they genuflect and fall to their knees before the Redumlican podium and Donald Drumpf.
Priebus: And fear is such a vicious thing
It wraps me up in chains
Angry Mob: Find out
Find out
What this fear is about
Members of Angry Mob exit the stage, forcibly pulling the other Redumlican candidates on stage, shoving them towards the podium and Donald Drumpf. After some initial reluctance, they mount the plinth below the podium and, one by one, bow before Drumpf.
Angry Mob: Find out
Find out
What this fear is about
Music continues as a riot breaks out on stage. Drumpf’s podium begins to rise higher and he addresses Angry Mob, who raise their right hands towards him as a pledge of allegiance.
The rioting continues as the song fades and the image of the U.S. Capital on the scrim begins to burn with fire. Angry Mob exits the stage.
ACT ONE: SCENE SIX
The Fall of the Redumlican Party
Drumpf stands atop the Redumlican podium. The other candidates kowtow silently at his feet. Reince Priebus, bloody, clothing torn, face bruised, goes center stage in a spotlight and addresses the audience.
Priebus: I believe that when the hurting and the pain has gone
We will be strong, Oh yes we will be strong
Priebus exits the spotlight. Chris Christie and Ben Carson rise, entering the spotlight and address the audience.
Christie: And I believe that if I’m crying while I write these words
Is it absurb ? Or am I being real?
Carson: I believe that if you knew just what these tears were for
They would just pour like every drop of rain
That’s why I believe it is too late for anyone to believe
Christie and Carson exit the spotlight, and their places are taken up by Jeb Bush and Bobby Jindal.
Bush: I believe that if you thought for a moment, took your time
You would not resign yourself to your fate
Jindal: And I believe that if it’s written in the stars, that’s fine
I can’t deny that I’m a Virgo too
Drumpf (from his podium above): I believe that if you’re bristling while you hear this song
I could be wrong or have I hit a nerve ?
That’s why I believe it is too late for anyone to believe
Priebus (singing from the darkness): I believe that maybe somewhere in the darkness
In the nighttime, In the storm
Drumpf: In the casino
(Scrim projection momentarily shows DRUMPF in giant gold letters mounted to the side of a giant gold building) Casino spanish eyes
Priebus: I believe,
Fiorina (as she sings, Priebus and the others drag her from the spotlight): No I can’t believe that every time you hear a new born scream
You just can’t see the shaping of a life
The shaping of a life
All candidates rise from the podium, salute Drumpf as Angry Mob had done. Drumpf, alone, begins to descend to the stage as the image of The Capital continues burning behind him and fades to black.
ACT ONE: SCENE SEVEN
Coda: Listen
The stage is empty and dark save for the spotlight upstage center. Vladimir Putin enters stage left and the two men embrace and kiss on the mouth.
An image of The Kremlin projects onto the scrim.
Putin: Mother Russia badly burned
Your children lick your wounds
Drumpf: Pilgrim father sailed away
Found a brave new world
The two men begin to disrobe each other, kissing and embracing, and finally having (simulated) sex on stage as the lights fade to black.
